Tuesday, October 17, 2006

i am now 1 in 300 million and so are you

There's no way to be specific about these things, but I suspect that the 300 millionth kid is named Austin*. They are named Austin and their mother will yell that name in an ineffective, yet nasally way as Austin runs like a drunken Comanche up and down the grocery store aisles leaving a trail of candy wrappers in his wake. His mother will also briefly tear herself away from the cell phone to shout things like Stop it, honey or Put down those steak knives, Austin or Get away from that man, Austin; He smells drunk and it looks like you're either frightening him or making him very angry.
Yes, I went to the grocery store yesterday. Why do you ask?
Anyway, welcome to the world, Austin.

*If you happen to have a kid named Austin and are at all offended by the familiarity invoked by the use of this name, then pretend I said Herbert**.
**If you happen to have a kid named Herbert, then you really don't love them anyway***.
***However, I have no doubt that a Herbert would conduct himself more like a proud and sober Comanche.


Blogger mapgirl said...

I used to live across the street from Austin #2.89 million and that kid did not want to make me contribute to the world's population growth. I think there really was a conscious decision to remove steak knives from his home. You could have chosen the name Kaitlyn (and all its various spellings) but that would be sure to raise the ire of millions of parents.


8:43 AM  

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