a solved case of mistaken identity in my pants

I always thought that one of the Fruit of the Loom characters was tobacco. There is the apple, a cluster of purple grapes, a cluster of green grapes, and a rust-tinged leafy fellow in the back who simply had to be tobacco, as he was a bit too reddish to be spinach. I suppose tobacco is more a vegetable than a fruit, but the five-year-old Rex saw nothing odd about his inclusion. Tobacco selling me underwear is no stranger than an apple striving for me to have the comfort and support under my clothing that I so richly deserve, and so I never really dwelled on it that much.

However, I did think it was odd that tobacco was still among them when the characters returned a few years ago. Attitudes toward tobacco had changed a great deal in his absence, and I would have thought that Fruit of the Loom might portray him as a villain or forget about him altogether. The tobacco companies had just been sued, and it seemed for a while in the mid to late nineties that anyone who simply looked at tobacco had a legal case against them (despite the fact that every tobacco product for the past three decades had contained a clear label warning of cancer. One might think it nothing more than an assumed risk…but I digress).

It turns out that he is simply a leaf. His bio on a website devoted to their god-awful country music video commercial (which is really no more god-awful than actual country music these days) describes him as such and lists the cowbell and glockenspiel among his many talents. He would appear to be the percussionist of the group.

Yes, you are correct in assuming that a leaf is not technically a fruit, but that is also explained in the bio (although a fig leaf would’ve been a more appropriate mascot than grapes, in my humble opinion).