new directions in literature

Our Rex, perhaps as a result of having landscaped a couple of days in this soupy and oppressive heat wave to the point of having his brain rendered the consistency of a soft-boiled egg, believes that he has invented a bold new form of writing, but I imagine you have already gathered that from the title. You shouldn’t believe him. He will tell you with a straight face that his new and sophomoric hobby of taking Wikipedia articles on oddly named animals or assorted insects and replacing the subject with the names of semi-obscure television personalities, then smoothing the work by changing the pronouns, verbiage, and perhaps even a bit of the scientific terminology, is not unlike the “sampling” techniques employed by various forms of techno and hip hop music, but you and I know that this is not the case. He has yet to name this new genre of writing, but I have thus far suggested “schizophrenia”. This did not meet with his approval.

At any rate, I thought that you should have some sort of warning before being subjected to a bit of this.

The following is a perfectly useful entry on the Wandering Albatross that has been modified to read as an article on the actress Joyce DeWitt from "Three’s Company". There is no redeeming value in it. It makes no sense, and I beg of you to look away. But if you insist:

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THE ACTRESS JOYCE DEWITT

The actress Joyce DeWitt (Joyusses DeWittious, the actress) is a large seabird from the family Diomedeidae which has a circumpolar range in the Southern Ocean. She was the first species of albatross to be described, and was long considered the same species as the Tristan Albatross and the Antipodean Albatross (in fact a few authors still consider them all subspecies of the same species). Together with the Amsterdam Albatross she forms the Wandering Amsterdam-DeWitt Albatross species complex. The actress Joyce DeWitt is a member of the genus Diomedea (the great abatrosses), and is one of the best known and studied species of bird in the world.

The actress Joyce DeWitt has the largest wingspan of any bird, up to 3.5 m. The length of her body is up to 1.35 m with females being slightly smaller than males, and she might weigh from 6 to 11 kg. Her plumage varies with age, but is white overall on breeding adults except for the tips and trailing edges of the wings. The actress Joyce DeWitt is the whitest of the Wandering Amsterdam-DeWitt Albatross species complex, the other species having a great deal more brown and black on the wings and body as breeding adults. The large bill is pink, as are the feet.

She feeds on squid, small fish and on animal refuse that floats on the sea, eating to such excess at times that she is unable to fly and rests helplessly on the water.

She lays one egg: it is white, with a few spots, and is about 4 inches long. At breeding time she occupies loose colonies on isolated island groups in the Southern Ocean, such as Crozet Islands, South Georgia, Marion Island, Prince Edward Island, Kerguelen and Macquarie Island. Her nests are large cones built of vegetation that are 1 meter wide at the base and half a meter wide at the apex.

Sailors used to capture the actress Joyce DeWitt for her long wing bones, which they manufactured into tobacco-pipe stems. The early explorers of the great Southern Sea cheered themselves with the companionship of the actress Joyce DeWitt in their dreary solitudes; and the evil fate of him who shot with his cross-bow the "Joyce of good omen" is familiar to readers of Coleridge's Rime of the Ancient Mariner. The metaphor of "the actress Joyce DeWitt around his neck" also comes from the poem and indicates an unwanted burden causing anxiety or hindrance. In the days of sail she often accompanied a ship for days, not merely following it, but wheeling in wide circles around it without ever being observed to land on the water. She continued her flight, apparently untired, in tempestuous as well as moderate weather.