Tuesday, October 31, 2006

how to build your own bona fide real life undead zombie

First, I should point out that any of you who wound up here in a search for that last minute costume idea for little Austin or Madison are in the wrong room. We’re going to be talking about how to turn your average human being into the walking undead, and only parents who want that sort of thing on a long-term basis for their child should be here. This isn’t the kind of zombiehood that scrubs away with a damp washcloth.

Next, I wanted to title this post “R. L. Camino’s Relatively Easy Zombie Recipe” but I thought that would A) draw too many folks in search of recipes for the drink “zombie”, or B) imply that I, a man who failed both high school and college science classes, figured out a way to make zombies through my own personal research and in my own spare time. I didn’t. The Internet figured it out and I distilled it down to a simple recipe and instructions that will be posted here directly. However, you can read my primary source for yourself here.

I should also point out that I’m in no way advocating that you turn another human being into a zombie. Don’t get me wrong, that would totally kick ass, but I’m officially telling you that, although there is no specific law against zombie making, there is probably something illegal within the process. So I didn’t tell you to do it or even how to do it. That was all the Internet’s doing.

By the way, here’s a recipe for the other kind of "zombie". Our zombie making, like anything else that requires effort, may also require motivation and courage, and alcohol at least gives one courage.

But that’s only if you’re going to make an undead zombie—which you shouldn’t, even though, again, it would totally kick ass.

Okay, let’s begin with a list of necessary ingredients, but don’t be that annoying bastard who starts asking questions this early on. The purpose of each of these will be revealed in time. Just shut up and write them down for now, even though you’re not actually going to be making a zombie:

1 puffer fish
1 marine toad
1 hyla tree frog
Some human remains (it doesn’t have to be much)
Some jimson weed (the amount will vary)
Salt (the ordinary table variety should work nicely)

Step 1: Combine the first four ingredients into a powder. I’m not really sure how to do that, as every source for the process I could find used a great deal of science in its explanation and science tends to make me sleepy or otherwise distracted, so just find a way to combine them and then turn them into a powder and you should be all right. Anyway, what you have now is called the “Haitian zombie powder”, and it relies on neurotoxins to make the intended victim appear dead.

I should probably have mentioned this before, but you don’t need to actually kill your intended victim before turning them into a zombie. If you’ve already done this, you’re screwed. It’s a popular myth that zombies are the dead come back to life, but that, in reality, is just an illusion, as you will see in a moment. So your intended victim, which you shouldn’t have anyway, is now nothing more than a worthless corpse. Way to go, dumbass. Now, let that be a lesson to the rest of you about not working ahead.

Step 2: Find some way to administer the powder unknowingly to your intended victim. This is where the whole zombie making process sort of runs afoul of the law, as the result of giving them the powder will be that they appear dead for a few days. Also, too much powder might render them actually dead, and, again, we’re not looking for corpses here.

Step 3: Everyone will be under the impression that your victim is dead. They will understandably want our to bury them, and you should allow this to happen. However, you will then want to dig them back up at your earliest convenience. Yes, it’s a bitch, but once you’ve come this far in the process you’ve really made a commitment. This isn’t like that gold fish you forgot to feed back in junior high.

Step 4: Greet your zombie. They will not be much of a conversationalist, as I’m sure you’ve gathered from television and film, but they will be rather mind-numbed and willing to do your bidding. Might I suggest that your first order be for them to refill their former grave.

Step 5: You will need the jimson weed, or “zombie’s cucumber”, as it is known in Haiti, to maintain your zombie’s cooperative and near vegetative state. This has the dual benefit of causing both an amnesia that keeps your zombie from recalling their pre-zombie days and hallucinations that only confirm that there is indeed some weird shit is going on and that their new master may in some way be magical.

Try, try, try to understand...You’re a magic man.

Step 6: Enjoy your zombie. The traditional thing to do at this point would be to sell them into slave labor on a sugar plantation. However, your local sugar plantation, if it is still operational, may be unionized these days. Also, any sort of legitimate employment will likely run one into problems with the I.R.S. or Social Security Administration.

Actually, step 6 depends on your original intention and is therefore subjective, though I dare say that a number of you first thought about things involving the naughty bits.

Step 7: Let’s face it; you may soon tire of our zombie. Life with a zombie can become rather lonely after a while and the drawbacks may eventually outweigh the benefits. Indeed. What now, you ask? The answer is simple: time to break out the salt. You see, tetrodotoxin, the particular neurotoxin found in our puffer fish from step one, works by blocking the sodium channels in nerve and muscle cells. The folklore of zombiehood says that salt repairs this, though modern medicine disagrees. I know this because it was outlined in a short paragraph within in an attention-holding bright yellow box at the side of the main article. At any rate, just to be safe, those in the midst of enjoying their new zombie and having no desire whatsoever for it to return to its formerly coherent state should make sure that it subsists on a diet extremely low in sodium.

Actually, the best thing to do to rid yourself of your zombie is to either hold off on the jimson weed or just sell them to someone desirous of a zombie yet unwilling to follow through on steps 1-4.

That is, if you had actually embarked on this kick ass, yet probably illegal or, at least, morally questionable, though scientifically based experiment in the first place.


Blogger Kat Coble said...

Please don't show this post to Sarcastro.

2:20 PM  
Blogger Rex L. Camino said...

This is actually Stro's reward for voting for me.

3:28 PM  

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