Wednesday, October 18, 2006

one toke over the line, sweet jesus

Dear Lord,

I don't know if you've noticed this or not, but you've heard very little complaining from your humble Rex on the subject of all these maladies you've seen fit to visit upon me. I know you certainly would have heard any and all complaints but I didn't know if the omnipotence thing covered stuff that didn't happen. This would include my not saying a word about all the allergies, the baldness, the bad back, the dizzy spells, the theme song to Matlock constantly running through my head, the toothaches, the stubby fingers, or the way that taxidermied deer heads sometimes come to life and tell me the most inappropriate stories when no one else is around. I have accepted all these things, God, because I know that you and Buddha and Allah and Bear Bryant probably get a kick out of them.
However, this new thing...
You forgot to mention the wide feet, the short attention span, the near-reclusive state in which you live, all the drinking, your crippling fear of the San Diego Chicken...
Bastard! You don't belong in my correspondences, Captain Howdy, and I expect you to be gone by the time I get back from fetching a drink to settle my nerves after seeing that.
Ah. That's better. Sorry about that, Lord. Anyway, I want it to be noted that I haven't complained once about any of these things. Well, I have actually complained about them a great deal, but it should be noted that it was never to you specifically. However, I really feel I should mention something now, as things seem to have gone a bit to far.
You see, I'm noticing an increasing number of gray hairs in my beard as of late.
That's a beard?
Quiet, damn you! It's only five days of one.
Ignore him, O' Lord.
Anyway, if it isn't asking to much...
Why don't you just photoshop it out like you do with everything else?
Lord, I'm just asking that you hold off on the gray hair for a while. I don't think it's...
Rex! You hast askethed a great deal of me this day...eth, but me thinkest I can doeth it for a large sum of cash...No checks...only cash.
Yes, I'm proud of you for finding Blogger's color chart, Captain Howdy. However, your sacrilege probably means that I now have to shell out for some Just For Men.
If you acteth now I'll also throweth in a good smiting down of the San Diego Chicken .
Thanks again, bastard.


Blogger newscoma said...

The San Diego Chicken gave me an autographed picture that says "Your my Monica, Love the Chicken."
I got it in the Lewinsky years of the Clinton presidency.
And I wasn't drunk when I got it surprisingly enough.
Another sad story from the 'coma files.
As for your gray, just roll with it.

3:43 AM  
Blogger Rex L. Camino said...

Yes, a giant chicken suit really helps to embolden one for hitting on the ladies...or so I'm told.

1:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oddly, a southern Calfiornia cock changed my life too!

Great post!

8:58 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home