Friday, December 01, 2006

four things that always bothered me about the wonder twins

1. Allright, the brother could only turn into a liquid. Fine. I get that. However, where the hell did the bucket always come from? Could a small part of him also turn into a bucket? Did the monkey have to carry the bucket around?
2. The sister could turn into an animal. It would seem a helluva lot better than the "liquid in a bucket" thing, yet she seemed to always choose "form of a condor" or some other bird. Large birds are cool and all, but can't other animals carry buckets? Methinks a Kodiak bear or a T-rex could do some fine bucket wielding while cutting a more imposing figure to villians and such.
3. Did the monkey have super powers? If not, it would seem negligent to put the monkey in a costume, as it would give the impression to bad guys that this monkey needs to be dealt with. If the monkey is in fact you regular run-of-the-mill blue monkey, then you need to leave it naked. You are otherwise needlessly endangering your monkey, and that, frankly, sends the wrong message to children.
4. The Super Friends cartoon ran around the same time Donny and Marie Osmond were at the height of their fame, and a four year old Rex always got them confused with the Wonder Twins. To this day I halfway expect Donny Osmond to turn into a bucket of something when I see him on TV.
Seriously, how often does the ability to talk to fish come into play? I've always imagined the scene of Aquaman's hiring went something like this:
Warning: My childhood imagination had the vocabulary of a sailor.
(Laughter breaks out around the table as Aquaman's resume is passed among the Super Friends, though I always thought the term "Super Acquaintances" or even "Super Co-workers" would seem more fitting, as you never really saw them shooting pool or just hanging out. But I digress...)
Superman: You mean he just talks to fish and dolphins and shit like that?
Batman: Yeah, no shit.
Wonder Woman: It's like, "We're not hiring right now but I think Sea World could use Shamu translator."
Green Lantern: Have any of you guys seen my ring?
Batman: Hey, let's get the goldfish to tell him he's not hired.
Wonder Woman: That would be fuckin' awesome.
Green Lantern: Seriously guys, I need kinda need that ring.
Superman: Look, Lantern, I think I'd do a better job of keeping up with my shit if I were one of those "gadget superheroes".
Green Lantern: Fine. Did one of you alien freaks take my damn ring again? Cause that shit's getting old.
Batman: Seriously.
Robin: I think the Flash took it. He still isn't over the whole klepto thing.
Wonder Twin Brother: Oh, it's always our fault when you guys lose your gadgets.
Robin: Shut up, bucketboy.
Superman: You guys cut that shit out...but seriously, I think I'd rather be a sidekick than a superbucket.
Wonder Woman: For real.
Batman: Allright, let's get back to Fishman or whatever the hell he calls himself. Is everyone agreed that we don't need this loser.
Superman: Absolutely. Go tell the goldfish to pass it on.
Robin: Wait. Remember last year when Lex Luthor blew up Seattle because we weren't able to summon that legion of Chinook salmon to stop the nuclear submarine.
Batman: Fuck. I forgot all about that.
Superman: Shit...Fine. But sidekicks are no longer allowed in the meetings.


Blogger Vol Abroad said...

Aquaman was my favorite.

I have always wondered about the bucket thing, too.

9:50 AM  
Blogger Rex L. Camino said...

Methinks your preference for Aquaman has something to do with the fact that he wears orange, VA.

11:57 AM  
Anonymous AT said...

The little green briefs too..

...wait... is this thing on?

1:05 PM  
Blogger Les Jones said...


2:33 PM  
Blogger jag said...

I don't know a damn thing about the superfriends, but it did just occur to me that Jack Lord is Felix Leiter.

I don't know if this proves that you're even cooler than I thought or that I'm even more clueless than suspected.

Possibly both.

2:48 PM  
Blogger Joe Powell said...

I remember thinking much the same of the entire bucket dealie. The i started thinking, why not push the idea even further - "Shape of ... Depsair!!" "Form of... Ex-Wife!"

whole realm of possibilities untouched.

somehow, i think all villians thru history have underestimated the value of monkey sidekicks. (hey, i wanna name a band that!!)

rock on, mighty Camino-Man!

3:35 PM  
Blogger Rex L. Camino said...

An ex-wife supervillian. I think you're on to something, Joe.

I think you're cooler than me, Jag, for I had forgotten that he was Felix. I mean...uh...yep, I did it in purpose.

Damn, I love McSweeney's, LJ.

It's best not to think of superhero briefs, AT. I think there was a time or two during childhood when I wore my underwear outside my jeans because I thought that's what superheros did. I'd like to say these were official underoos, but there were probably some tighty whiteys on display as well.

4:37 PM  
Blogger Lynnster said...

I am a little disturbed because I don't remember the Wonder Twins.

This doesn't make sense because Donny & Marie - I was around 7 or 8.

Maybe early Alzheimer's has set in...

5:37 AM  
Blogger newscoma said...

I always thought the boy WonderTwin got a bad deal.

12:53 PM  
Anonymous sara sue said...

My little brothers (18 mo. apart in age) used to do the underwear on the outside of their jeans too. Best part was, they sometimes had skids in 'em and they didn't care! Ahh...good times! Wish we'd have had cameras in every pocket then!

3:31 PM  

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