Wednesday, November 15, 2006

and do they also make a hat specifically for those being stalked by deer?

And did Sherlock ever actually stalk any deer? Now, the closest I’ve come to ever engaging in a hunt were the times I would dispatch cockroaches with my trusty bb gun in those less than ideal apartments we inhabited en route to the Casa Camino, but it occurs to me now that nothing in the features of the deerstalker cap make it a better suited head adornment for deerstalking that it would be for, say, getting drunk and shooting rats down at the dump or dispatching with cockroaches crawling above your television set as the pets look on in amazement.

It’s odd. They see the filthy little bastards spontaneously combust and are thus embiggened with a new respect for their master. You should try it with your unruly pets sometime.

Anyway, in my brief digestion of the question in the title I’ve come up with only two possible answers. This hat would seem like the logical choice. It disguises the prey to appear as a predator and would give most killer deer a bit of a pause. My only other idea would be a Viking helmet—specifically the horned type worn by actual Vikings and not the purple football helmet worn by the Minnesota’s football Vikings. Two-dimensional horns are seldom as effective as real horns at combating a good set of antlers.

Why do I bring this up? Well, obviously, I feel that I’m being stalked by a deer. He is a young stag, specifically, and he often watches me from the edge of the woods along the battlefield as I walk Carl Weathers. He either wants or is giving the perception that he wants a piece of the Camino, and all that stands between your hero and the possibility of an unwanted evisceration is a Swiss army knife and a cowardly spaniel. He stands with his chest out, nostrils flaring and a harem of doe scattered in the woods behind him. It is mating season and he is probably just showing off, but he is doing so at increasingly shorter distances. However, he isn’t there every time, and the only way to guarantee that I will not encounter him on a given visit is to have my camera with me.

This has been going on for about two months now, and I wanted to mention it before, but it seemed like the sort of thing that needed visual accompaniment to provide the full effect and perhaps shut up once and for all any smart-ass therapists who choose to ignore very real possibility that random forest creatures are out to get one of their patients. I may have been wrong about the Mothman eating my favorite pair of corduroy slacks, lady, but that’s no reason to dismiss the phenomenon of killer deer. Surely you believe that deer exist. Just wait till I show up gutted and bleeding and then we’ll see who does the laughing.

I hate to spoil it for you, sister, but it is I who will do the laughing, though I’m sure it’ll probably hurt a bit.
Anyway, this reasonable recreation will have to suffice for now.

5 Comments:

Blogger Vol Abroad said...

It must be almost Christmas if that Cabela's hat is making a return to the blog of doom.

10:53 AM  
Blogger Rex L. Camino said...

I wouldn't want a real one, as coyotes look too much like dogs and therefore don't belong in clothing form, but maybe this year someone will make me a hat from a Tickle Me Elmo or Disco Fever Elmo or Crunk Elmo or whatever the hell variation is supposed to be big this year.

OR they could go old school and make me a hat from a Teddy Ruxpin.

11:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Something tells me Carl Weathers would not be happy if you wore that hat, although it would definitely cure any unruliness.

If I ran into the Jagermeister Deer in the woods, I'd ask him for a little shot of his own.

2:52 PM  
Blogger Rex L. Camino said...

I've known many who appreciate the Jager, but sweet alcohol has never been my thing. Still, I suppose if I came across a Jager deer in the woods it would constitute free booze, and free booze would indeed be my thing.

9:59 AM  
Anonymous Joe said...

Rex, I won't say you crossed the line with that link to a picture of a dead animal with a man under it ... but I will say now it is painfully clear your line is in a different place than I woulda thought it coulda been.
I only say this because I care about you, ya know.
Joe

2:24 PM  

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