Monday, May 22, 2006

about this whole illegal immigration thing...

Now, I don’t pay much attention to national affairs or hot button issues, but the best solution I’ve heard thus far to the immigration issue would have to be the great Sarcastro-Rick Shaw proposal, which…
What is it? Can’t you see daddy’s working here?
Forgive the interruption, but it appears that you’ve linked to the wrong thing.
...Ah, So I did.
Also, the actor who played “Quint” in Jaws was ROBERT Shaw.
Yes…correct again…I thought his name was RICHARD for some reason.
Honest mistake.
I think I confused him with Richard Burton.
I see.
Well, I believe you were saying something about illegal immigration when I interrupted you.
Was I?
You were indeed, and it was going be prefaced by a quick reference to Sarcasto’s "rickshaw" post.
Ah, yes. That would make more sense.
What I meant to say was that Sarcastro’s great rickshaw proposal works best because it combines the immigration issue with rising fuel costs and therefore marries the two most “pressing domestic problems of our nation”.
But it is always good to have as many options as possible, and I have a couple more to throw into the mix.
Now, It seems to me that the nation was willing to look the other up to a certain point. There could also be a great deal of election year politics fueling the issue, but I think we probably just reached a saturation point and would be fine if we could somehow deport a portion of the illegal aliens and return to the comfortable side of our acceptance level.
Let’s say that we do that. How will we then keep the borders managed?
The fence thing doesn’t seem like a good idea. Fences are so last millennium. A kickass Great Wall o’ China-styled wall would both be effective and win style points along with tourist dollars, but we unfortunately live in the age of the aluminum building and other examples of tasteless/soulless architecture. A great wall would be too costly without the ironic benefit of cheap and illegal labor. Besides, methinks that finding a solution will require one to think outside of this literal box idea that so many have settled upon.
Now, I haven’t completely ironed these out yet, so please take them as 'ol Rex thinking out loud.
First, the border is not completely sealable. We can seal portions and monitor other parts, but there will always be a way through. Therefore, I propose that we watch as much as we can and then cover the rest with one end of a giant Teflon-coated wind tunnel. The currently understaffed border security will funnel any escaping Mexican into this tunnel where they will then be whisked away to Canada.
Trust me, it will be a fun ride. We will pump in Tejano music, and you will envy them.
Think about it: I’m sure that there are jobs in Canada that the Canadians are unwilling to do. Also, they already have more than one national language. Spanish and the Mexican culture can sit alongside the Canadian and French Canadian cultures to make the nation one big carton of Neapolitan ice cream. They can then market themselves as such.
I want to go already.
Yes, but won’t the Canadians be mad?
Ah…yes, well, Canada is like our little brother, you see. Therefore, like any good family, we should disperse our troubles and pass some of the burden on to them.
So, it’s like a noogie of sorts.
Well, it’s more like getting your kid brother a keg for the first time. You know, like, “Here’s a few million illegals. Just sit back and don’t worry about landscaping or the picking of citrus fruit for a while.”
We’ll have to remember to send citrus trees.
Make a note of it.
Now, would this plan be legal?
Probably. I think there’s a clause in NAFTA that covers it.
What else you got?
This is a reusable option that would come in handy on more issues than this one. I like to call it the “Great American Cloaking Device”. It simply makes the nation invisible whenever necessary, and I’m sure the government already lifted the technology off one of those crashed flying saucers back in the forties.
So, we would essentially be taking care of one "alien problem" with technology gained from our other “alien problem”.
So, the would-be illegal immigrants would come to the border, find nothing, and then just go back home.
Right again. I think it would go something like this (by the way, prepare yourselves for some hot bilingual action):
Would be illegal immigrant #1: Donde esLos Estados Unidos?
Would be illegal immigrant #2: Que?
#1: I said, donde es Los Estados Unidos?
#2: No se. It should es right aqui.
#1: Well, it no es right aqui.
#2: I can see that con mi ojos, Uno. All I know es Los Estados Unidos was essing right aqui a few momentos ago cuando we were crossing el Rio Grande.
#1: Well, Dos, no es aqui...So, donde are we going now?
#2: No se. I feel like having un bullfight or maybe un siesta.
#1: Wouldn’t that be a bit stereotypical?
#2: Not really. In the first draft we concluded by doing a hat dance while Speedy Gonzales found a way to thwart the cloaking device.
#1: He probably used his speed.
#2: That’s generally the way it happens.
#1: Did you notice that we’ve stopped with the Spanish?
#2: It really doesn’t take that much to exhaust Rex’s Spanish vocabulary.
#1: Wait, did you just say “Speedy Gonzales”?
#2: I did.
#1: Isn’t he the current Attorney General of Los Estados Unidos?
#2: You’re thinking of ROBERTO Gonzales.
#1: For some reason he didn’t seem like a “Robert”.
#2: And thus we have harkened back to a meaningless gimmick used at the beginning of the post.
#1: So we can clock out now?
#2: Absolutely.
#1: I can see why Americans don’t want to do some of these jobs.
#2: Indeed. Let the cerveza flow and the hat dancing begin.


Anonymous Sarcastro said...

Farewell and adieu to you fair Spanish ladies,
Farewell and adieu to you ladies of Spain
For we received orders for to sail back to Boston
And soon never more will we see you again.

I going to need a better picture. Or at least a bigger boat.

9:46 PM  
Blogger Rex L. Camino said...

I want to sing that song every time I get on a boat but can never remember the words.

6:06 AM  
Blogger Kat Coble said...

For shame. Do we not all know that Robert Shaw is MY secret husband?!?

People, you disappoint me.

9:14 AM  
Blogger Joe Powell said...

For some reason when I think of our southern border, I always hear the Gortch Brothers from The Wild Bunch as they view the borderline:

"Ah, Mexico Lindo!"

"I don't see what's so 'lindo' about it."

9:27 AM  
Anonymous Sarcastro said...

You can never go wrong by invoking Tector and Lyle Gortch.

9:57 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home