Monday, July 10, 2006

fear of a plastic possum

Few things on television are as creepy as an aging male star who has opted for the facelift. In fact, I can’t watch Burt Reynolds anymore for fear that the surgical staples that keep the flesh stretched tightly across his skull may suddenly give way and slingshot into the other person in the scene.

The same thing goes for Kenny Rogers. I never needed him to be smooth and pretty; I only needed him to look like a man who looks like Kenny Rogers and so did the thousands of men who actively cultivate that look.

Which brings us to George Jones.

Is anyone else freaked out by his ever tightening face on all these local Nashville commercials that generally run in the morning and leave me spitting coffee and trying to suppress my blueberry waffles? I mean, if he keeps going at this rate he’ll soon tighten and shrivel down to the appearance of an overly laundered Muppet.
Look, people get old and drinking will take its toll. No one expects you to be any different, George. We’ve all heard the stories. Still, you had a hell of a music career before settling for the understandable position of trusted spokesperson. However, if you want me to buy your sausage or take your custom automotive advice you will need to do a better job of looking like an actual human being.


Anonymous eric said...

I, for one, welcome our new tight faced opossum overlords.

8:10 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


8:20 AM  
Blogger ceeelcee said...

Speaking of George Jones' we're not headed in THAT direction, you perverts.

But basic marketing 101 states that you'll sell a lot more pork sausage if the picture on the package is of a cooked product, not a raw gray gelatinous mass of snouts and eyelids.


8:47 AM  
Blogger SistaSmiff said...

And people ask why I was uncomfortable talking to him on the phone! Listen to him...I was sure I'd have to yell in the phone and repeat everything two or three times.

Re CLC's point about marketing...maybe that's why his dog food failed?

10:40 AM  
Blogger W said...

You could be right SistaSmiff, but with dogfood, the final product is 'a raw gray gelatinous mass of snouts and eyelids'.

10:44 AM  
Blogger newscoma said...

I have a face to face story with the opossum that I will share at the next blogger meet.
As a shrouded giveaway, let's just say that just because one drinks pony sized beers does not mean that if you drink 500 of them, you aren't going to be in the cups.

10:49 AM  
Blogger gnightgirl said...

I've always maintained (me, knowing nothing at all) that we're heading toward a future in which all of our stars are going to end up looking like Michael Jackson. Seriously, how many times can they stretch their faces back before their noses pop out the front?

11:03 AM  
Blogger Rex L. Camino said...

I fear that you are on to something, gnightgirl.

Snouts and eyelids. You gave me flashbacks to my brief career as a butcher, CLC.

I feel that there is an unlimited amount of country star stories to be told between Sista Smiff and Newscoma and I want to hear each of them.

7:18 AM  
Anonymous eric said...

gnightgirl, you are gorgeous.

9:47 AM  
Blogger SistaSmiff said...

Well, next time Newscoma is in town, I'll just have to have y'all over for a little supper in my Grand Ole Opry kitchen.

As nuts as that sounds, my kitchen walls are crawling with hillbilly memorabilia.

11:00 AM  

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