my first interview

I recently sat down with a famous country star for my first interview here on the Blog o’ Doom. It was a big score. I can’t really go into how I went about setting this up, as it is technically illegal to impersonate an attorney, but will tell you that it will probably be my only interaction with “Toby”, who has agreed not to press charges.

Again, I can’t really go into it, but here’s the bit that I can relay.

I met Toby at the Antioch Hooters last Friday to discuss politics, country music, and whatever else he felt like getting off his chest. That was the plan. I must admit that it was a poor interview, as I do not listen to and am really not able to stomach country music, but turned out to be a learning experience for future interviews.

It turns out that there is more than one Hooters in Antioch, a fact that I should not have been surprised by. This led him to the wrong location and left me to get quite drunk while waiting on him. What I can print of the exchange that occurred when he finally showed up follows.

Rex: What up, Toby?…Toooooby…Toooooo-beeeee…Tooooo…..
Toby: (interrupting) You Rex?
Rex: Yyyyyep. What kind of name is Toby, anyway? I mean you don’t hear it that much anymore. Are you really old, Toooooby?
Toby: Can I ask you a question before we get started here? (Toby slides into the booth beside me)
Rex: Sure thing, Toby-oby-oby-o.
Toby: How come you’re sitting behind a cardboard cut out?
Rex: This is a photo image I use on my website so people don’t know who I am.
Toby: Who the hell are you suppose to be?
Rex: I’m Rrrrrrexexexex…
Toby: (interrupting again) No, and cut that shit out. What I mean is who’s that on the cut out?
Rex: Charles Drake. He was (hiccup) a B-movie actor in the fifties and sixties. I think he was on a couple of episodes of “Bewitched” too. Man, that Elizabeth Montgomery was hot as hell. It’s pissing me off that they’re making a movie with that Australian chick…uh…whatshername…uh…
Toby: Well I look real retarded talking to a damn cut out of some guy who was own “Bewitched” one time.
Rex: Nicole Kidman! I mean, she’s hot too…but, you know. That movie’s gonna suck…Oh, but what I was saying was I use different pics of Charlie Drake here to play Rex on the website cause I can’t let people see me.
Toby: Well put that shit down. Can’t nobody see you right now anyway.
Rex: Sure thing, Tobey-o. (putting aside cut out)
Toby: What’s this website you got anyway?
Rex: Rex l. Camino’s Blog of Doom, or whatever the hell I’m calling it this week.
Toby: What the hell do you do on there?
Rex: I just talk about shit, Tobobyoby-o.
Toby: I told you to cut that shit out. Now, you’re supposed to be a lawyer?
Rex: (response omitted for legal reasons)
Toby: If you say so.
Rex: You ever get on the Internet there, To-by?
Toby: Look, I’m here cause you told my lawyer that you had some pictures…
Rex: (this time I interrupted) Yeah, yeah, yeah. We’ll get to all that later. Right now I have a list of questions for my interview-iew-iew.
Toby: Quit touching me.
Rex: You want to wear the cardboard cut out of Rex?
Toby: No!
Rex: I don’t mind people seeing me talk to some guy who was on “Bewitched”.
Toby: I don’t give a shit.
Rex: I’m man enough…I’m in touch with…uh…my man feelings enough…I’m just…uh…confident a lot, so I don’t get embarrassed or care about what people…
Toby: Damn, man, get on with it.
Rex: Okay, question one: How come so many people in country music have two first names? I mean, there’s you and…uh…some other people.
Toby: Look, I don’t know. I just use my real name.
Rex: Question two: Uh…In one of those America songs you do you talk about putting a boot in somebody’s ass.
Toby: Yeah.
Rex: Man, that would hurt. Did you really think about it when you were writing it? I mean people throw clichés around all the time without thinking about it, but a boot in the ass would hurt like hell.
Toby: Look, you might find out real soon if you don’t hurry this shit up.
Rex: And was the Statue of Liberty the one putting a boot in somebody’s ass? I can’t remember.
Toby: Man, look. It was America with the boot. Now can we move on?
Rex: If the Statue of Liberty had some boots they’d be a lot bigger than your ass. But she doesn’t wear boots.
Toby: Are we finished here?
Rex: I mean, would you go to the procologist or haberdasher to have it removed?

Toby: That's it.

Rex: Wait...the haberdasher is the guy with the hats, isn't he? Where was I?
Toby: (stands up) I want to see those pictures. Now.
Rex: What pictures?
Toby: Look, you called my lawyer and…

I’m afraid that’s where, for legal reasons, my recounting of the interview must end. Again, I would like to thank Toby and the legal team that represents him. They were all very gracious and understanding. I would also like to apologize to the Antioch Hooters and the family of the late actor Charles Drake for what transpired afterward.

If any celebrities or near celebrities would like to be interviewed by me through legitimate circumstances in the near future, please, by all means, send me an email.