Tuesday, June 21, 2005

requiem for a bucket

What sort of gutless bastard would torch a defenseless and so gargantuan as to be utterly useless cedar bucket? A cedar bucket in its natural element is no more intimidating or harmful than a cat in a basket of fresh laundry. Destroying the World’s Largest Cedar Bucket is cruel and un-American, and the only reason I can come up with is terrorism, pure and simple

See, Murfreesboro’s economy has been held up by the World’s Largest Cedar Bucket tourism for years. Lovers of cedar buckets and all things uselessly large have been making the pilgrimage from all four corners of the world for years just to stand there before it in the Cannonsburgh Pioneer Village. They inevitably go home and tell others about what they’ve seen. They show photographs to the disbelievers and are immediately the envy of their town, city, village, or tribe. Thousands of cedar bucket enthusiasts across rural China have been hoping for freedom just so they can someday scrimp and save and send a representative to view the bucket in person. What say we to that miserable lot now? This is a devastating blow to the movement for democracy in China. Also, what say we to the multitude of children all over the world who tried their damndest over this past school year just so their parent would take them to see the World’s Largest Cedar Bucket? It is obscene that many will now have to settle for Disneyworld or Six Flags.

The culprits, when found, being the ratfink terrorist swine they are, should be deported immediately to Gitmo—and not that “All you can eat Doritos” type of Saddam Gulag that the military runs either. As Murfreesboro’s now fragile economy teeters on the balance of collapse and it’s people wander the streets like the spirit-broken zombies they now are, the terrorists should be getting the full Newsweek-type Gitmo treatment in Cuba. Toby should personally administer the boot-in-ass implementation while Dick and Dubya perform a freedom themed morality tale with sockpuppets. Lee Greenwood should write a song specifically for the occasion and then sing it repeatedly in their faces. We should break them and then pursue the matter significantly past the breaking point. Let us be cruel and unusual in our administering of justice, people. I have no doubt that anyone who has stood before that pile of cedar ash, no matter how liberal and forgiving, will agree with me whole-heartedly.
Let us do it for the children.

4 Comments:

Anonymous tha b said...

apparently too many of cannonsburgh's after-dark homeless community gathered around the 'great bucket of fire' to warm their non-working hands in it's glorious glow... that's a shame... this time it just got to be too much when 'stinky joe' fell in head first and the blood in his alcohol could not stop the conflagration that erupted.


little known fact... all of murfreesboro's water supply was collected in that bucket during rainstorms and distributed to each house through an underground network of pipes and tubes. now what will we drink??? huh???

back to the glorious stones river I guess...

b.

2:32 PM  
Blogger nashgirl said...

As a lifelong Boro resident, a little piece of me died when the bucket kicked the bucket on Sunday.
When I tried to tell my college friends of the tragedy, all I got was "What cedar bucket?" Perhaps the real tragedy is that too few knew of the existence of such a fine piece of American history, a bucket that has traversed the world only to return back to the Boro.
Maybe now the Davis Market curse will be lifted and all can leave the Boro once and for all.

5:42 PM  
Blogger Rex L. Camino said...

tha b,
"Stinky Joe" was camped out in the Governor's office at the time. Believe me, I know.

khall,
You never really know what you have in a large cedar bucket until it is no more--even if it is the largest.

10:27 PM  
Anonymous Mrs. Camino said...

I heard it was a group of radical Muslims who, seeking revenge over recent mistreatment of the Koran, sought to hit us where it really hurt. Touche, Abdul, touche.

1:55 PM  

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