how i would fix the space program

Now that the space shuttle Discovery has safely landed, can we begin the serious discussion of putting monkeys back in space? Now, I know that some of you would be more appalled by the loss of monkey life than human life, but I think that even you can be appeased with the proposal of sending only the bad monkeys.

You may remember that chain-smoking chimpanzee from a few weeks back. If not, go and familiarize yourself with him here. Monkeys may be loved, but smokers are hated. Can the hatred of a smoker outweigh the love of a monkey? I'm willing to wager that it will.

And what of all those nuisance monkeys who steal and destroy in northern India? How are those people suppose to work all our customer service telephone jobs and deal with rampant simians at the same time? You may love even the nuisance monkeys, but I will wager that you value having your technology questions answered without a lot of screeching and the throwing of feces going on in the background. I know I do.

Look, we will be careful not to send any of the good monkeys. We will not risk sending painting monkeys, acting monkeys, or Michael Nesmith.

Just a thought.