Tuesday, August 09, 2005

how i would fix the space program

Now that the space shuttle Discovery has safely landed, can we begin the serious discussion of putting monkeys back in space? Now, I know that some of you would be more appalled by the loss of monkey life than human life, but I think that even you can be appeased with the proposal of sending only the bad monkeys.
You may remember that chain-smoking chimpanzee from a few weeks back. If not, go and familiarize yourself with him here. Monkeys may be loved, but smokers are hated. Can the hatred of a smoker outweigh the love of a monkey? I'm willing to wager that it will.
And what of all those nuisance monkeys who steal and destroy in northern India? How are those people suppose to work all our customer service telephone jobs and deal with rampant simians at the same time? You may love even the nuisance monkeys, but I will wager that you value having your technology questions answered without a lot of screeching and the throwing of feces going on in the background. I know I do.
Look, we will be careful not to send any of the good monkeys. We will not risk sending painting monkeys, acting monkeys, or Michael Nesmith.
Just a thought.


Blogger melusina said...

Too funny.

Yea, those nuisance monkeys have got to go. Maybe that IS why, whenever dealing with a GM in Everquest, they can't ever handle the problem appropriate. They are too busy dealing with those damn monkeys. Maybe they should make the monkeys work the CS jobs.

11:07 AM  
Blogger lotus said...

I didn't write this, but thought it was funny. Sorry for the length...

sigh...I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200.

I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they liked them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys."

6:11 PM  
Blogger Rex L. Camino said...

That is beautiful, eric.

Where did it come from?

10:59 PM  
Blogger lotus said...

It was posted anonymously on slashdot back in May

8:46 AM  

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