Wednesday, September 07, 2005

an arachnid in alabama

There are scorpions in Alabama, and I had forgotten all about them until this past Friday when I was down at Ma and Pa Camino’s and had one zip past my foot as I crawled into bed.

The little bastards are harmless and carry a sting far less dangerous than that of a common bee, yet it isn’t the sort of thing you want lurking about when you are staring at the ceiling and trying to sleep. So I got onto my knees and raised the bedsheets from the floor to see the cocky little guy staring back at me. I didn’t have my camera with me, but he looked a like this.

It was worse than I feared, and I knew that my only option was to obliterate it or else endure a night of that annoying whistle intro to “Winds of Change”. But I am big-hearted to a fault, and I began by trying to reason with it and reach a peaceful solution that would be amicable for all involved.

Neinen!” he shouted, “Der rocken I must bringen tagen!

I don’t blame the poor guy for having to turn to squatting for survival. In the wake of Katrina it has become no doubt distasteful to perform “Rock You Like a Hurricane", even for a German, and this is sure to have put a dent in his meager finances.

“I’m sorry”, I told him in my most reassuring voice. “I guess none of us thought about how things would be for you.”

But he was unmoved by my compassion. He stared me down as he maneuvered his guitar into a clichéd phallic symbol pose and then shouted, “feelen tagen meinen thunderstrucken!” before launching into a blistering solo.
He would’ve woken up the entire house if I hadn’t quickly dispatched him with the heel of my shoe.

8 Comments:

Blogger Aunt B said...

You are, as always, a genius. I wish I had something, like a cow, to give you in appreciation of all the funny you bring.

2:36 PM  
Blogger Wally Bangs said...

Damn, that was funny!!

2:53 PM  
Blogger Rex L. Camino said...

Gracias, Wally and Auntee.

My family did own a few cows for a couple of years when I was in junior high, Auntee, and I find the gift of cattle to be high praise, though my neighbors might not appreciate a cow within the limited confines of Casa Camino.

3:48 PM  
Blogger melusina said...

I think a goat would be more appropriate.

I was soo not expecting a picture of ugly Scorpions guy.

9:18 AM  
Anonymous eric said...

fucking hilarious dude :)

1:05 PM  
Blogger Rex L. Camino said...

Mel, I was actually looking for a pic of the type of scorpion found in Alabama, as I tend to always see one or two around the house when I visit my folks. I came across that photo and it steered the post in a different direction.

What happened to your blog, Eric? I tried to go there the other day and couldn't help but notice that it didn't exist anymore.

1:11 PM  
Blogger HUCK said...

He's right! Those little German bastards are everywhere down there.

Well done, Rex. You did the right thing.

2:46 PM  
Anonymous Laura Rikard said...

I feel so gratefull to have read this webpage. Unfortuntaly I was unable to see the picture of the scorpion you found. I recently saw a scorpion in my bathroom, just an inch and a half away from 4 year old daughters foot. I killed it and placed it into a zip lock baggie. Looking at pictures on the internet. It strongly resembled a species from South Africa. Named Pseudolychas Pegleri. I live in North Alabama. I am planning to take it to the Alabama Extension tommrrow for proper identifaction. I can't express my fear enough. Having this awfull looking thing so close to my daughters foot.

Laura Rikard

11:34 PM  

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