Saturday, September 24, 2005

selling the hurricane

Kudos to CNN for having a sizable journalist out in the approaching hurricane late last night. I didn’t catch his name, but he didn’t flail like a windsock in the gusts.

Yes, it is sometimes fun to watch Anderson Cooper being bandied about like trash, but he must be preserved for bigger things. We must always keep in mind that the ghost of Larry King cannot ramble on forever, and that someone will someday have to assume his role and provide a forum for the Tammy Bakers and Deepak Chopras of our world.

If news corporations are going to continue sending correspondents out to cover hurricanes first hand, then they should provide larger journalists on their staff for just such an occasion. Think of it as an evolutionary step. You need a hefty reporter with a low center of gravity who can withstand high winds, stinging sheets of rain, flying debris, and an asinine line of questioning from Katie Kouric.

What you don’t need is Shepherd Smith staggering like an Irishman in the downpour and rambling on about how the street signs are bending.

Then again, maybe you do on some subconscious level.

If the main objective of news outlets is to sell us on these natural disasters, then perhaps the most waifish among the pool of reporters is the one to send. Maybe I’ll be more inclined to watch news reports from an emaciated beanpole of a correspondent who only needs hundred mile an hour winds to get parallel with the ground.

But why stop there? If drama is our goal, then why not seek out the most cowardly individual in the organization and handcuff the poor bastard to a pier closest to where the storm is projected to hit landfall.

Matt Lauer: We’ve sent Dudley Wumpkin to cover the hurricane as it comes ashore. Dudley was originally sent by the temp agency to answer telephones here in our office, but he spent the majority of his time hiding in a bathroom stall due to a debilitating social anxiety disorder. Dudley, what can you tell us about the conditions thus far?

Dudley: Sweet Jesus, Matt! My testicles have climbed into my body cavity.

Matt: What are the wind speeds?

Dudley: Oh God!

Matt: They say that what you’re experiencing now is just an outer band, and that the conditions will only worsen when the storm reaches you in thirty-six hours.

Dudley: I’m going to fucking die!

Katie Kouric: Dudley, this is Katie.

Dudley: Fucking help me!

Katie: We are getting word now that the American Meteorological Association has just expanded their classifications to include a category six in order to accommodate this hurricane.

Dudley: Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Katie: But do you think that the president has done enough for your safety?

9 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

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1:16 AM  
Blogger red molly said...

Rex, that was very funny. Thanks.

7:21 AM  
Blogger John H said...

Bravo, Bravo. You said what I've been trying to say, except in a far more entertaining manner.

This is consistently the funniest 'joint' in the Nashville-Blogosphere.

Thanks!

11:03 AM  
Blogger HUCK said...

John's right, dude. You seriously deserve your own syndicated column.

If and when that happens, please don't give up the blog. I don't think I'd be able to make it through the day without my daily dose of Doom.

12:20 PM  
Blogger Rex L. Camino said...

Gracias, all.

Special thanks to you, blogspam, for I know you are busy, and I do appreciate the way you make time to frequent my little corner of the internet.

It would be nice if I could someday make money just for putting words together, but I will not forsake thee, huckster, if that ever indeed comes to fruition.

7:00 PM  
Blogger Doctor Rick said...

Well if it's sensationalism you seek then CNN is where to find it. That is the epicenter of American exploitism. FNC is the only channel to watch.

2:44 PM  
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