Tuesday, September 13, 2005

coach camino fixes the titans

When I watch the Titans getting their collective asses kicked I have to wonder if Coach Fisher goes in at halftime and gives the same kind of speeches my high school coach gave—something along the lines of:

Did y’all come all the way to Pittsburgh to play grab-ass and pussyfoot around the field? Huh? Cause I sure as hell didn’t.

At this point I always wanted to stand up and say: Wait, this isn’t the grab-ass team?

I never did, of course, but I tried to give the coach a little more engagement than some of the others.

He would always take his grab-ass and pussyfoot question straight to a player—usually an alpha male who played linebacker—in order to personalize his assessment get the adrenaline going for the second half. Then he would go down the line on the bench and attempt to ignite a fire of enthusiasm, as it were.

Coach: Big Marcus, did you come here to pussyfoot around and play grab-ass?
Big Marcus: No, sir!
Coach: Bubba, did you come here to pussyfoot around and play grab-ass?
Bubba: Hell no!
Coach: Rex L. Camino, did you come here to pussyfoot around and play grab-ass?
Rex: Not really, sir. I’d be lying if I told you that I hadn’t planned on some tomfoolery and maybe a few shenanigans, but grab-ass was never on the agenda. Also, I’m a little confused as to what constitutes pussyfooting. If I have been engaging in it, and I very well might have, then I must apologize and plead ignorance on this one.
Coach: What the hell are you doing with a martini in this locker room!?!

I doubt that Coach Fisher ever tries this. I don’t blame him, as millionaires would be less likely to respond to this sort of thing than teenagers, but I would be willing to try. I even practiced a little on Sunday. I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror and said with my most serious face:

Keith Bulluck, did you come to Pittsburgh just to play grab-ass and pussyfoot around? Huh? Did you?

Just think about it, Coach Fisher. But try not to pussyfoot too long, as I am making my motivational speaking skills available for any team at any level with enough alcohol to lure me into the clubhouse.
I will also do children’s birthday parties, though parents must sign a special waiver.


Blogger John H said...

Besides having the best blog title in all of Blogavia, you may have the funniest. Do you need any more tips about gas?

I was one of those skinny athletic manager types and I heard way too many half-time 'speeches' and exhortations.

You've pretty much summed up the genre.

7:54 AM  
Anonymous sethro (tull) said...

the only thing more predictable than motivational speeches in sports are the diatribes of sports commentators who constantly play "captian obvious" with the audience...saying things like "putting points on the board is what's going to win this football game" and "he's gonna have to get into the end zone to score" ....by the way, these are direct quotes from non-flyer John Madden during the most recent "monday night football" game.

10:03 AM  
Blogger melusina said...

Hahaha! Good lord, I'm glad I wasn't drinking anything.

10:19 AM  
Blogger newton dominey said...

i must remember to put on my depends before i read your posting. i'm going through clean undies left and right as i piss myself from laughing.

4:31 PM  
Blogger Rex L. Camino said...

That is some high praise, Newt.

Madden is the worst at the obvious thing, and I've always wondered what his speeches were like.

Our managers were mostly trying not to laugh at the speeches, John. Except there was always that one who took it more seriously than the players. I trust that you were not him.

6:49 PM  

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