undeniable truths

There is truth and there is opinion, and I generally have little use for either. However, I have managed to stumble across some undeniable facts in my thirty-one years. You will undoubtedly save yourself some time and anguish by accepting them now, but I understand that there are those who only learn the hard way.

Here is just a random sampling:

• Walk into any Baptist church across the southeastern U.S. and you will find at least one woman who looks like Randy Newman in drag. Bless her heart.
• The bass guitar is the most essential instrument to any musical ensemble. Screw the White Stripes.
• Taking off my shoes to get through security at an airport is ridiculous. Forbidding scissors and matchbooks on an airplane makes no sense either. If the terrorists were trying to render us retarded, then they have certainly achieved.
• Any television series starring Jennifer Love Hewitt will need a healthy dose of cleavage to have any hope of success.
• Walk into any given Unitarian church and you will find a number of women who look like Suzanne Vega. Rather than blessing their hearts, we will ask for a higher power (who may or may not exist) to make a donation to NPR on their behalf.
• It isn’t the size of the dog in the fight, but the fight in the dog that counts…unless we are talking about a gunfight. Dogs of any size are useless in gunfights. A gun is the important thing in a gunfight.
• People who openly hate the works Faulkner are better than people who just pretend to like the works of Faulkner, but they are still bad people.
• I am a very light smoker, but I probably would’ve given up tobacco completely by now were it not for the way all those annoying anti-smoking activists. You can’t let those bastards feel like they’ve won. It only emboldens them, and they will not be happy until we all subsist on nothing but water and raw vegetables. We will then all live long and uneventful lives, eventually finding death full decades after the warranties on most of our bodily functions have run out and we have become a burden on society.
• A “Tallahassee cash advance” is a wonderful thing, and it would’ve made an even better title for an early eighties Burt Reynolds movie.
• When a Nashvillian visiting Florida tells a Floridian that they are from Nashville, Floridians who have never been to Nashville will immediately picture the Country Bear Jamboree at Disney World. If you look closely enough you can almost see it in thought bubbles above their head.
• The television program "MacGuyver" was only successful because people love to see common household items used for something other than their intended purposes.
• Edgar Winter’s “Frankenstein” is the greatest single piece of instrumental music ever composed by an albino.