Wednesday, November 23, 2005

an open letter to the mtsu athletic director

Dear Mr. Massaro,

I am writing to offer my services as head coach of the university’s football team. If hired, I promise to run a grab ass free football program with little tolerance for pussyfooting and the like.

My qualifications—aside from a junior high and high school football career coupled with years of collegiate and professional football watching—include having my picture taken with Bill Curry once.

camino and curry (1989)
How many times have you had your picture taken with Bill Curry?

That’s what I thought.

I have already devised a game plan to use regardless of the opponent. I promise to run the option on every play but one. It is an effective play on its own, but the added tension of defenses awaiting that non-option play will be enough to keep them off kilter and susceptible to our offense, regardless of the effectiveness it would otherwise have.

On defense, we will cheat, pure and simple.

But winning will take more than brilliant coaching. Great coaches like “Bear” Bryant and Tom Landry always wore really cool trademark hats, and this only added to their intimidating stature as legendary coaches.

If hired, I vow to pace the sideline in this. You can watch as our adversaries tremble in fear.

However, I’m afraid that this will do little to hold the psychological edge over our enemies if they also continue to see that damn My Little Pony of a mascot haunting the sidelines behind me. A pegasus is nothing more than a hornless unicorn, and a hornless unicorn has no place in football. It spooks no one outside of Vanderbilt and has only hindered the progress of MTSU athletics since its introduction a few years ago.

I propose to replace it with this:

kinkajoumascot
Who among us can look upon this and not immediately feel the creeping pangs of terror deep within our gut? I cannot. With a mascot like this the battle is half won before we have even engaged our enemy. We have gotten into the heads of our opponents and instilled confidence in our fanbase. They will not hesitate to fill the stadium and shout things like “GIVE ‘EM HELL ‘JOUS!”

I will eagerly await your offer (though I would not hesitate too long, as my impressive plan of action is bound to garner attention from a few dissatisfied folks in Knoxville).

Sincerely,
Rex L. Camino

8 Comments:

Blogger H.U.T.S. said...

"Give 'em Hell Jous!". That statement wouldn't be allowed because it is defamatory, especially during Hannakuh.

Sincerely,

NCAA

8:35 AM  
Blogger Wally Bangs said...

As a non-donating alumni of MTSU you've got my support Rex! You could have em coached up in no time.

10:12 AM  
Blogger Kat Coble said...

Give 'em Hell Jous!". That statement wouldn't be allowed because it is defamatory, especially during Hannakuh.

Sincerely,

NCAA


However, if said with a slight accent it could either sound like Rosie Perez or that dude from "My Cousin Vinny"

1:09 PM  
Blogger Kat Coble said...

Joe Pesci.

I knew it would come to me sooner or later.

1:09 PM  
Blogger D. Wooderson said...

Rex, you're right on regarding that 'My Little Pony' mascot. Your taste in hats, my man, easily puts you among the top candidates for the job.

1:41 PM  
Blogger Stella said...

So I take it these guys are flourishing this season.

Right on, Rex. Go get 'em!!

3:02 PM  
Blogger Rex L. Camino said...

I'm afraid that there was more flounder than flourish this season, Jill, but things will be different under the Camino regime.

I'll give them December to think about it. Then comes the petition.

5:47 PM  
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