Thursday, January 12, 2006

some advice

One rarely stops to reflect in such situations, but there really are a number of things to take into consideration before making a statement like, "Maybe I oughta whip* your ass".

Foremost among them should be a full assessment of the individual on the receiving end of the statement. Can you really administer the ass whipping and thus fulfill your implied guarantee? If not, will your failed attempt be reciprocated upon you with more successful results? If this latter possibility is indeed your fate, will there be great embarrassment in having your ass whipped by this individual? Are they:

1. smaller than you
2. more drunk than you
3. wearing a hawaiian shirt
4. handicapped in some way
5. the lady at the DMV
6. a rented mule (the irony)
7. a hippy**

If not, are they larger than you? This is perhaps a better scenario unless they are significantly larger than you. If they appear to hold a slight edge, then you have nothing to lose, and a valiant effort is all that is necessary to maintain your good standing in the eyes of passers by and the random collection of gawkers that is sure to amass. Some things to consider about this crowd would be:

1. Is it a mob?
2. If so, are you a part of the mob?
3. Does the mob know that you are a part of it?
4. Do you speak for the mob? (you should never presume this one)
5. Could the mob turn against you?
6. Is the mob comprised of people from our previous list?

There is not as much shame in having your ass whipped by a group of your physical inferiors. Anyone objectively looking at the situation will understand that the numbers were simply against you, and they will assume that you tried your best.

On a related note, never assume that you can simply grab a box of Girlscount cookies off the table while exiting the grocery store and make a break for your car. Anyone who attempts this has underestimated:

1. the weight of his groceries and how they will effect his velocity
2. his lack of exercise in the past couple of decades
3. the absence of mercy in a gaggle of uniformed little girls

But I digress.

If you have taken all these things into consideration and still find it in you best interest to employ the threat of an ass whipping, then by all means proceed. Congratulations on the impending possibility of whipping some ass. However, there is one more crucial step to be taken in order to maximize your potential for success.

Most who have engaged in a successful ass whipping would never admit this, but music always play a crucial role. You can never actually bring music to have played. That would be:

1. quite embarrassing if things were to end badly for you
2. what the law likes to call “evidence of premeditation”

Your music selection is then relegated to the confines of your head, and one could theoretically use Gordon Lightfoot to accompany their actions. If so, then by all means go out and kick some ass for the Edmund Fitzgerald.

However, the majority of us summon adrenaline through a heavier fare. I find that the seventies were a good decade for this sort of thing and generally prefer Rick Derringer’s “Rock and Roll Hoochie Koo” or Nazareth’s “Now You’re Messing With a Son of a Bitch”.

Never use “Eye of the Tiger”. It will show on your face, and everyone will know that you are thinking of “Eye of the Tiger”. You have no hope of winning. No one who has ever had “Eye of the Tiger” running through their head has ever succeeded in the task at hand. Real life simply doesn’t work that way. If you must use something from the Rocky Franchise, please go with “Gonna Fly Now”.

You should also keep in mind that teenagers will have video game music running through their heads.

But I digress again.

I think that pretty much covers it. Now go forth and boast of ass whippings with confidence, or do not boast of ass whippings.




*Residents of Alabama will need to replace the word "whip" with "whoop".
**Don't underestimate the hippies. One who invests himself in peace loving tends to accrue a great deal of pent up rage from all that damn peace, love, and women who do not find hygiene all that important.

7 Comments:

Blogger Ryan said...

Hands down the best post of 2006!

10:56 AM  
Blogger Chez Bez said...

I hung on every word. But I have one question. Did girl scouts whip your ass?

12:27 PM  
Blogger Rex L. Camino said...

That was really a matter of opinion, Michael.

12:34 PM  
Anonymous Sarcastro said...

Don't underestimate the Hawaiian shirt.

Magnum,p.i. wore a shirts of that variety all the time, and he kicked more ass than anyone this side of Walker, Texas Ranger.

12:56 PM  
Blogger Wally Bangs said...

If you do find yourself in a fight - always get your opponent on the ground. I learned that lesson in 8th grade when a smaller kid in the 5th grade snuck up behind me, knocked me to the ground, and then proceeded to sit on my chest while slapping me for what seemed like an eternity. I eventually got the little rat off my chest and instead of running from me the little idiot stood there gloating. Without the element of surprise on his side I proceeded to kick the living shit out of him. But I never forgot the lesson he initially imparted.

1:08 PM  
Anonymous Mephistophocles said...

LMFAO - that's some good shit, Rex.

1:58 PM  
Blogger Rex L. Camino said...

Damn it, Sarcastro. How could I forget Tom Selleck?

11:15 PM  

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