a listening tour

Does it bother me that Al Gore cares more about the environment than I do? Of course it does. His voice admonishes me from the back of my mind each time I slip on a pair of Styrofoam pants or climb into my SUV and run over the occasional baby penguin, and it gnaws at me something fierce.

At least, it did until last summer when I drove by the former veep’s house on a daily basis going to and from various landscaping gigs in Belle Meade, each day spotting an SUV in the driveway that could easily eat my 4-runner and still put away a Volkswagen or two.

Why the hell do you need an SUV?

Because a bull fiddle cannot be transported in an AMC Pacer so easily. Also, I often travel with a fat and endlessly gaseous Spaniel.

Does Gore have either of these needs?

No, but Gore carries with him an enormous truth, and it would simply be too inconvenient for him to attempt transporting that truth in a tiny hybrid. He would have to make multiple trips each time he needed to take his truth anywhere, and the masses gathered to accept his truth would soon lose interest and wander off even if Matt Damon stalled by telling the crowd different truths that George Clooney read in books and magazine articles and then kindly summarized for Matt Damon.

Ah.

Besides, Gore has keen reflexes and is much better at swerving when penguins enter the roadway.

But why does Harold Ford Jr. drive around in an SUV on that television commercial?

Because Al Gore sometimes allows him borrow the truth.

Are the Republicans therefore in danger of losing a senate seat in Tennessee?

Yes. The Republicans will probably lose because their candidate is likely to be Van Hilleary, and many folks would agree with ceeelcee on this particular point.

However, it also has quite a bit to do with the brilliant Democratic plan of giving Republicans too much power. I could take the time to explain it here, but it would simply be easier to tell you that it’s sort of like the end of Ghostbusters when they fill the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man with too much energy.

Ah.

You see, the worst thing you could do to a political party is give them the power to make good on all the clichés they’ve been regurgitating throughout the gridlocked past.

I see.

The second worst thing you could do to a political party is have Lee Greenwood sing songs for them.

Still, both parties are pretty much full of shit, and it’s beginning to sound like another non-voting year for Rex.

You needn’t relegate your options on the names listed on a ballot for your voting options, you silly bastard.

I needn’t?

No. You can always write in a candidate.

But I have no one to write in, as Carl Weathers presumably lives in another state.

Well, in the absence of Carl Weathers I propose this:

Why would I do that?

Because senators make much more than people who are employed as…uh…well, whatever the hell it is that you do.

Will I have to actually do anything?

Absolutely not. You belong to no viable political party and therefore never have to fear actually having any political power or responsibility. You can say whatever you need to say to get elected and then sleep soundly with the confidence that you’ll never have to actually follow through on any of it.

So it sounds like I just have to repeat the performance I gave at the interview when I got that teaching job.

Yes, but this time you should probably leave out the part about strongly disliking children.