i am not charlie neese

Another wayward reader has contacted me through the Rexmail with a question. Here is my answer.

No, I am not Charlie Neese, meteorological child genius for Nashville’s CBS affiliate. Now you’re just being silly. Being mistaken for Neil Orne was a high compliment, as he spends his nights roaming the streets of Nashville fighting crime in a slightly used ninja outfit and armed only with his winning smile and a set of nunchucks fashioned from his dual Emmys before slipping behind WKRN’s morning news desk. Also, he gets to spend a great deal of time with Heather Orne.

Ah, Heather Orne. Indeed.

Sorry, Victoria Hanson, but you knew our love wouldn’t last…Now don’t make a scene. Shhhh. Let it go. Be strong, my little Vickles. Cherish what we had.

Anyway, if I was indeed Charlie Neese I am sure I would have a great deal to say to my ungrateful public. Here are the first ten things I could think of:

1. Stop calling me “man-boy”. Chuckie Neese is all man, bitches.

2. Stop calling me Herve Villachaize. I don’t know who that is, but it can’t be nice when you say it with that shit-eating grin on your face, Bubba. I am neither Ralph Macchio nor the kid from The Never Ending Story. Don’t you have a meth lab to tend to?

3. No, I don’t have to sit on phone books at the desk. I have my own special chair. I am a professional.

4. It isn’t funny when Neil Orne kicks my ass and says, “Now you’re getting’ schooled in some Orne-othology”.

5. Back in juvie they called me Charlie Noose.

6. I didn’t waste half my childhood in meteorology school just so I can broadcast from a damn car show or the renaissance fair. This is science, people! Get that freaking turkey leg out of my face and take your nasty ass facial hair back to your parents’ basement or a Star Trek convention or wherever the hell you people go the rest of the year.

7. Mark Howard has a sock puppet that he talks to during the commercial break. Sometimes he fills that very same sock with complimentary cocktail sausages and beats me with it after the show. He is a bastard among bastards.

8. Chris Clark stopped wearing pants to work in 1983.

9. I just looked up Herve Villachaize, and now I get all of those “The plane! The plane!” jokes. Ha, ha. Very funny. We’ll see who’s laughing the next time the twisters hit your trailer park.

10. You really need to let it go, Vickles. What we had was special, but this bird you cannot change.