Thursday, July 21, 2005

i am not charlie neese

Another wayward reader has contacted me through the Rexmail with a question. Here is my answer.

No, I am not Charlie Neese, meteorological child genius for Nashville’s CBS affiliate. Now you’re just being silly. Being mistaken for Neil Orne was a high compliment, as he spends his nights roaming the streets of Nashville fighting crime in a slightly used ninja outfit and armed only with his winning smile and a set of nunchucks fashioned from his dual Emmys before slipping behind WKRN’s morning news desk. Also, he gets to spend a great deal of time with Heather Orne.

Ah, Heather Orne. Indeed.

Sorry, Victoria Hanson, but you knew our love wouldn’t last…Now don’t make a scene. Shhhh. Let it go. Be strong, my little Vickles. Cherish what we had.

Anyway, if I was indeed Charlie Neese I am sure I would have a great deal to say to my ungrateful public. Here are the first ten things I could think of:

1. Stop calling me “man-boy”. Chuckie Neese is all man, bitches.

2. Stop calling me Herve Villachaize. I don’t know who that is, but it can’t be nice when you say it with that shit-eating grin on your face, Bubba. I am neither Ralph Macchio nor the kid from The Never Ending Story. Don’t you have a meth lab to tend to?

3. No, I don’t have to sit on phone books at the desk. I have my own special chair. I am a professional.

4. It isn’t funny when Neil Orne kicks my ass and says, “Now you’re getting’ schooled in some Orne-othology”.

5. Back in juvie they called me Charlie Noose.

6. I didn’t waste half my childhood in meteorology school just so I can broadcast from a damn car show or the renaissance fair. This is science, people! Get that freaking turkey leg out of my face and take your nasty ass facial hair back to your parents’ basement or a Star Trek convention or wherever the hell you people go the rest of the year.

7. Mark Howard has a sock puppet that he talks to during the commercial break. Sometimes he fills that very same sock with complimentary cocktail sausages and beats me with it after the show. He is a bastard among bastards.

8. Chris Clark stopped wearing pants to work in 1983.

9. I just looked up Herve Villachaize, and now I get all of those “The plane! The plane!” jokes. Ha, ha. Very funny. We’ll see who’s laughing the next time the twisters hit your trailer park.

10. You really need to let it go, Vickles. What we had was special, but this bird you cannot change.


Blogger Ryan said...

So this begs the question: Are you Charlie Neese?

11:52 PM  
Blogger Rex L. Camino said...

No, I am Mark Howard's sock puppet.

7:17 AM  
Anonymous Sarcastro said...

The Saturday morning bit where the Ren-Fair wenches came sneaking up behind lil' Charlie in the midst of his standup was classic.

7:17 AM  
Blogger melusina said...

Ha! I thought Chris Clark hadn't been wearing pants!

9:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Our family has decided that he is so young that he has been bestowed the title "the amazing weather fetus."

4:46 PM  
Blogger Rex L. Camino said...

I also viewed that bit of quality television, sarcastro. Priceless.

It seems that everyone in the greater Nashville area has come up with their own name for Charlie Neese. "Amazing weather fetus" is a keeper. Folkore experts should research this cultural phenomenon.

6:23 PM  
Anonymous Sarcastro said...

Charlie Fetus. It gets funnier everytime I say it.

10:42 AM  
Blogger Hawaiianmark said...

Even if you arent Charlie Neese, (?) Anyone who likes surfguitar is allright with me..

Or tatu -"de plane boss, de plane"

i kept wondering if he wanted off the damn plane, or what - wonder if he ever had to enter those dwarf throwing contests for crack money.


1:20 AM  
Blogger Rex L. Camino said...

Aloha Mark,

You should watch the Hollywood True Story of Herve sometime. He drank two or three bottles of wine a day and was quick to fight anyone who looked at him the wrong way, no matter their size.

Aloha. I love the way that word can serve as both a greeting and a farewell.

8:06 AM  
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3:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Charlie is a beautiful man!I wish he was gay!

10:04 PM  

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