I cannot help you with the discounted swimsuits

Nor can I help you find greeting cards, a toaster, baby food, an ironing board, the plus size lingerie, a flat screen TV, or a bean bag chair. I cannot even help you find the coffee filters, but I assume it will be near the coffee. It will do no good to complain to me that the meager food court is out of funnel cake or that the photo department has lost your prints. You must summon the strength to overcome these problems on your own, for I'm afraid that I am merely one of you--only without the cell phone and string of children adorned in Dale Earnhardt memorabilia running like savages behind me. Godspeed you in your quest, but here is where we must part.

Note to self: From now on always check to make sure that you are not wearing a red polo shirt before going into Target.

Also, you should probably stop wearing that damnable name tag. It made you appear more friendly and sociable at first, but the little bastard has attracted too much of the riff-raff that made you unsociable in the first place.