the year in rear view: 2006's technological advance that pissed me off the most

Okay, I know those earpiece cell phone thingies came out last year or maybe the year before that, as I recall them pissing me off before twenty aught-six, but those little bastards and the people who use them in crowded public areas have only climbed the R.L.Camino list of enemies in the past year. I mean, I’m not big on talking to strangers and I avoid them whenever possible, but it is only natural when someone standing beside you in the aisle at a bookstore asks,” I’m about to head to the grocery store. You want anything special for dinner?” to automatically respond with, “I was thinking I could go for some coconut and mango encrusted tilapia with yams and a nice dry Riesling.” Sure, I felt a little embarrassed when he turned to shoot a half-scowl/half-grimace in my direction and thus allowed me to finally notice the foul earpiece on his opposite ear, but the blame, in my opinion, rests squarely on him.

In fact, I think people who wear those earpiece cell phones in public are deserving of any amount of rudeness that those within listening vicinity should decide to inflict upon them. For instance, there was this aftershave drenched bastard at the music store the other day going on and on to some acquaintance in a loud voice to be heard over the music. He said:

Bastard: Yeah, Roy and Susan were in town this past weekend so Barbara…This music sure is loud…Anyway, Barbara and…I’m in a CD store…So Barbara and I took ‘em to the Coyote Ugly’s and…Coyote Ugly’s. It’s a bar…Yeah…I wish they’d turn this music down. I can’t hardly think…So, anyway, we took ‘em there and then over to the Wildhorse...The Wildhorse…It’s another bar…Hold on, Jimmy, there’s some guy in a dress staring at me…I don’t know why…Yeah, I’m gonna ask him…Can I help you with something?

Rex: (silently glaring)

Bastard: Can I help you? I’m on the phone here.

Rex: (still silently glaring)

Now, the beautiful thing about the silent glare is that it doesn’t require all that thinking associated with the voicing of displeasure, the coordination essential to administer an ass kicking, or the cat-like stealth needed for sneaking up behind someone with a blunt object for a good old-fashioned unashamed cheap shot.

But I digress.

Anyway, my point is that everyone seems to get unnerved at these people, yet everyone also treats them undeserved politeness by ignoring them. My proposal is to…

Were you really wearing a dress?

It was a kilt. Anyway, my suggestion is that…

A kilt?

Bastard: Kilts generally don’t have floral prints.

Look, I wouldn’t expect some gadget zombie asshole to understand the beauty in the ancient traditions of the Clan Camino.

Anyway, as I was saying…

Bastard: What about the lipstick?

Sometimes I just want to feel pretty, but that’s beside the point.

Anyway, folks, I am but a simple man—a Luddite, if you will—who still manages to go through life without the benefit of a cell phone of any kind. Yet I’m sure that even those of you who embrace technology find that these bastards work to fray your last nerve. Therefore, let us go forward into 2007 with the thought that it would be quite difficult to arrest and try us all if we begin to employ immediate public beatings. You obviously didn’t have my back when I attempted this same strategy to combat Tickle Me Elmo, and I certainly learned that attacking small children was not in my best interest, but there comes a time, people, when society must gather together to purge ourselves of detrimental annoyances such as these.

Just a thought for those of you who have yet to think of any New Year’s resolutions.