more undeniable truths

I only hope that you can learn from my life experiences. I'm all about the helping.

• Few things in life are as difficult as trying to get blood out of a clownsuit. You shouldn’t even try. Save yourself some time and anguish and just buy a new one.
• Jon Bon Jovi may have seen a million faces, but I doubt seriously that he rocked them all. I have heard the music of Mr. Bon Jovi and am more inclined to believe that a significant number of those faces were only feigning being rocked in order to spare this “cowboy” from New Jersey a little embarrassment.
• The Bible would be much more compelling if it somehow incorporated Christopher Moore’s novel, Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal.
• I hate to harp on airport security, but it is freakin’ impossible to commandier a freakin’ airplane with a pair of freakin’ toenail clippers. I don’t care if you’re Jean Claude freakin’ Van Damme and the freakin’ plane is being flown by Helen freakin’ Keller. It makes no freakin’ sense whatsofreakinever.
• The Pips needed Gladys Knight more than Gladys Knight needed the Pips.
• It sends a bad message to America’s NASCAR watching youth when drivers aren’t seen exchanging insurance information after a pile-up.
• I openly weep each time I hear Glen Campbell’s “Wichita Lineman” (even though it has nothing to do with football, as I recently noticed).
• Upping number of speed traps along the Nashville interstate system is the best way to deal with a rapidly increasing crime rate. Kudos to you and your mad logic skills, Police Chief Surpfatass.
• Katie Couric will inject at least one uninteresting fact about herself into each of her interviews on any given morning, and it will pass for journalism.
• People on drugs do not appreciate an impromptu puppet show. They may enjoy it enthusiastically at first, but they will quickly turn on you at the first sign of puppet aggression.