rex l. camino's "how to sweet talk the ladyfolk"
Any real collection of my knowledge of "the ladyfolk" and how to meet their needs could never fill an actual book. Hell, I would still probably need a section of pictures or diagrams to help me fill a pamphlet version of Rex L. Camino's "How to Sweet Talk the Ladyfolk". At best, I could possibly make good use of one side of a single sheet of paper to be placed as flyers beneath windshield wipers. Even then I fear I would be misunderstood and perhaps even labeled a pervert of sorts and once again sprayed with mace due to an error in communication.
Still, I would like to do what I can to help out the menfolk on Valentine's Day.
I have now been married for some seven years and have picked up a few things by trial and error in that time. For instance, some of the ladies in your life may ask questions similar to this one often posed by the lovely Mrs. Camino:
Do these pants make me look fat?
Most times it's pants, but the special lady in your life may have questions about her sweater, shoes, handpuppet, or any other accessory that coould in some way effect the perception of her weight, bulkiness, or buoyancy. Here is how I've learned to handle the situation...
Mrs. C: Does this personal flotation device make me look fat or in any way more buoyant than a woman of my height should be perceived as?
Rex: Are you trying to look fat?
Mrs. C: Why the hell would I try to look fat?
Rex: I don't know, but if you were, I didn't want to be the one to tell you that you were failing miserably, my love.
Mrs. C: What does that even mean?
Rex: I'm not really sure.
Mrs. C: This is going to be a post, isn't it. At least some version of it.
He's going to have you in a personal flotation device for no apparent reason. It will be awkward and it will make no sense whatsoever.
Rex: You shut the hell up!
Mrs. C: Who do you keep yelling at? There's no one standing behind you, and you have managed to spill your martini all over my handpuppet.
...Or something to that effect. I'm not sure what you were suppose to glean from that, but you should notice that the beautiful, talented, blog of doom reading, and thin Mrs. Camino was no longer troubled by the perception of her pants at the conversation's end.
Smooth talk like that is sure to woo the ladies for at least seven years.