one of the reasons for which i will beat down tony danza, part 2: a reason not to beat down robert guillaume boogaloo

Benson actually has an enjoyable theme song. I hadn't heard it in years, but thanks to TV Land's current Benson marathon it has now replaced the dreaded Who's the Boss? theme within the confines of my rather large skull.

It is all a matter of taste, but methinks the key to having a good theme song is to keep it instrumental.

Consider the bothersome themes like Who's the Boss? that tend to stick in the mind and do their slow neurological damage: From personal experience, I will cite The Facts of Life, Family Ties, Growing Pains, and Charles in Charge to name a few (there are others, like The Greatest American Hero or Moonlighting that are sometimes a nuisance but occasionally fall into a middle category of not always being unwelcomed, depending on the situation). Each of these attempted to do a small part in setting up or reinforcing the main characters. As a child, I assumed that Mrs. Garrett sang the Facts of Life theme, the respective parents on Family Ties and Growing Pains lent vocals to their songs, and Nicole Eggert's character wanted Charles in charge of her and told us as much in song.

This was all a lie implanted successfully into our collective subconsciousness.

By contrast, I never thought that Jack Lord or Tom Selleck played guitar on their respective Hawaiian themed television programs. It never occurred to me that the Incredible Hulk could've played his sad piano theme or that Matlock was responsible for his theme's trombone or clarinet.

However, I did think that Andy Griffith whistled the theme to the Andy Griffith Show and that Ricky Ricardo's band did the theme to I Love Lucy.

Also, I thought that Kitt was responsible for the Knight Rider theme with all its early eighties techno goodness.

Anyway, the thing that all these themes have in common is that they set the mood instrumentally and do not assume to speak for the character. This is how themes should be done.

The best example of this would have to be Angelo Badalamenti's tremolo laden baritone guitar arrangement for Twin Peaks. It sounds like a mystery in a remote mountain town should sound, and I dare say that a set of generic lyrics presumably sung from Agent Cooper's point of view would have lessened the show's viewership.

The X-Files is another good one. Part of me fears the alien anal probe each time the ambient notes filter though my television speakers.

The absence of a theme song is also effective. Lost, if I recall correctly, just has a subtle sound effect somewhat akin to air being released from a manhole cover. It's mysterious and it works.

This, as I said at the onset, could all be a matter of personal preference. However, I think the theory holds true.