Wednesday, December 13, 2006

a breakfast suggestion


1. Grape Nuts.

2. Milk.

3. That jar of peach preserves you got from your Mother-in-law a couple of years ago and stuck in the pantry where it was then obscured by a bottle of fat free raspberry vinaigrette salad dressing that just managed to magically appear on the shelf one day even though you have sworn your allegiance to the variety of different ranch and Caesar dressings before friends, family, god, and country more times than you or any of the aforementioned care to count, or, at least, to the point that the raspberry vinaigrette having expired unopened should come as a shock to no one, though the fact that you were cleaning the pantry would probably raise a few eyebrows, even though it actually happened and you can prove it because you now have the rediscovered jar of peach preserves and a recipe for Camino’s Kickass Faux Peach Cobbler Breakfast Surprise to prove it, though you’d probably do well to spend more time in the naming department were you to actually market the stuff. However, if that had indeed been a long-term goal of yours, then the fact that you’re starting off by publishing the super secret recipe online is probably a poor decision on your part.

4. A bowl or similar contraption conducive to the containment of liquidy substances.

5. A spoon would be nice.


1. Combine grape nuts and milk in bowl and microwave for maybe thirty seconds.

2. Remove from microwave and add mix in three or four heaping spoonfuls of the peach preserve.

3. Return to microwave and nuke that sumbitch a full minute.

4. Take this minute to reflect on things. For instance, do you think that public television really makes a significant amount of pledge money while showing all those damnable John Denver specials? If so, then you finally have your answer to who would gain the most from John Denver’s death. Indeed. It’s all making sense now; the pieces are finally coming together.

5. Remove from microwave upon completion and enjoy. This concoction is both tasty and healthy*, so feel free to gorge yourself until sick.

*Rex L. Camino is not an officially licensed doctor. The claim that Camino’s Kickass Faux Peach Cobbler Breakfast Surprise is healthy is based on the fact that Grape Nuts contains enough fiber to dislodge a water buffalo from your colon. What exactly the water buffalo was doing there in the first place is between you and your god.
UPDATE: Nevermind. One discovers about halfway through the second bowl that Camino’s Kickass Faux Peach Cobbler Breakfast Surprise is actually kind of nasty and then proceeds to halt the correspondence with the patent office.
Then again, Carl Weathers doesn't seem to mind it much. Perhaps Camino’s Kickass Faux Peach Cobbler Breakfast Surprise For Dogs is in order.


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